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Funny Wedding Poems to Have Your Guests Rolling in the Aisles!

A wedding ceremony is such a happy time when you get together with all your favourite people in the world and celebrate love!

A picture of a happy couple with James Amos South Wales Celebrant Weddings in Cardiff, Swansea, Newport and beyond!

We can do all kinds of things during the ceremony to celebrate your love, whether it be a hand-fasting ceremony, jumping over the broom, cocktail mixing, or something else entirely!

Something that a ceremony usually includes (though with a celebrant-led wedding, there's nothing we have to do, and nothing...within reason... we can't do!) are readings or poems. It can be a great way of expressing a thought or a feeling at this special time! Over the next few blogs, I'll share some of my favourite poems and readings that might springboard you to find or write your own!

The pieces I have included here are all 'funny' poems, but they all have heart.

So, in no particular order, here are my top ten funny poems and readings...


James Amos South Wales Celebrant Number 10 on a wooden spoon

The first on the list is this lovely piece by Sandra Boynton. It's such a cute poem!

Your Personal Penguin

by Sandra Boynton

I like you a lot

You’re funny and kind

So let me explain

What I have in mind.

I want to be Your Personal Penguin

I want to walk right by your side

I want to be Your Personal Penguin

I want to travel with you far and wide

Wherever you go, I’ll go there too

Here and there and ev’rywhere

And always with you

highlight lyrics to add meaning…

I like you a lot

You’re funny and kind

So let me explain

What I have in mind.

I want to be Your Personal Penguin

I want to walk right by your side

I want to be Your Personal Penguin

I want to travel with you far and wide

Wherever you go, I’ll go there too

Here and there and ev’rywhere

And always with you

I want to be Your Personal Penguin

From now on.


James Amos South Wales Celebrant Number 9 on a wooden spoon

Like most of the poems on the list, although it's a funny poem, it has a lot of truth in it and has a very touching sentiment!

He Never Leaves the Seat Up

by Anon

He never leaves the seat up

Or wet towels upon the floor

The toothpaste has the lid on

And he always shuts the door!

She’s very clean and tidy

Though she may sometimes delude

Leave your things out at your peril

In a second they’ll have moved!

He’s a very active person

As are all his next of kin

Whereas she likes lazy days

He’ll still drag her to the gym!

He romances her and dines her

Home cooked dinners and the like

He even knows her favourite food

And spoils her day and night!

She’s thoughtful when he looks at her

A smile upon his face

Will he look that good in 50 years

When his dentures aren’t in place?!

He says he loves her figure

And her mental prowess too

But when gravity takes her over

Will she charm with her IQ?

She says she loves his kindness

And his patience is a must

And of course she thinks he’s handsome

Which in her eyes is a plus!

They’re both not wholly perfect

But who are we to judge

He can be pig headed

Whereas she won’t even budge!

All that said and done

They love the time they spent together

And I hope as I’m sure you do

That this fine day will last forever.

He’ll be more than just her husband

He’ll also be her friend

And she’ll be more than just his wife

She’ll be his soul mate – till the end.

James Amos South Wales Celebrant Number 8 on a wooden spoon

This one always raises a laugh, it's a bit cheeky, but has a lovely ending!

Love Me

by Bee Rawlinson

Love me when I'm old and shocking

Peel off my elastic stockings

Swing me from the chandeliers

Let's be randy bad old dears.

Push around my chromed bath chair

Let me tease your white chest hair

Scaring children, swapping dentures

Let us have some great adventures

Take me to the dogs and bingo

Teach me how to speak the lingo

Bone my eels and bring me tea

Show me how it's meant to be

Take me to your special places

Watching all the puzzled faces

You in shorts and socks and sandals

Me with warts and huge love-handles

As the need for love enthrals

Wrestle with my damp proof smalls

Make me laugh without constraint

Buy me chocolate body paint

Hold me safe throughout the night

When my hair has turned to white

Believe me when I say it's true

I've waited all my life for you

James Amos South Wales Celebrant Number 7 on a wooden spoon

No funny poetry collection would be complete without a piece by Pam Ayres. It's written from one partner to the other.. do you recognise yourself in this?

Yes, I’ll Marry You

by Pam Ayres

Yes, I’ll marry you, my dear,

And here’s the reason why;

So I can push you out of bed

When the baby starts to cry,

And if we hear a knocking

And it’s creepy and it’s late,

I hand you the torch, you see,

And you investigate.

Yes I’ll marry you, my dear,

You may not apprehend it,

But when the tumble-drier goes

It’s you that has to mend it,

You have to face the neighbour

Should our labrador attack him,

And if a drunkard fondles me

It’s you that has to whack him.

Yes, I’ll marry you,

You’re virile and you’re lean,

My house is like a pigsty

You can help to keep it clean.

That sexy little dinner

Which you served by candlelight,

As I do chipolatas,

You can cook it every night!

It’s you who has to work the drill

and put up curtain track,

And when I’ve got PMT it’s you who gets the flak,

I do see great advantages,

But none of them for you,

And so before you see the light,

I do, I do, I do!

James Amos South Wales Celebrant Number 6 on a wooden spoon

Written in the rhyming style that we all know from Dr Seuss, this is humourous but really quite touching! It's also a bit of a challenge for the reader!

Oh, the Places You’ll Go!

by Dr. Seuss

“Congratulations! Today is your day. You’re off to great places! You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the COUPLE who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look ‘em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town.

It’s opener there in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.


You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that life’s a great balancing act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

So… be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting.

So… get on your way!”

James Amos South Wales Celebrant Number 5 on a wooden spoon

I'm not sure you could get many more references into a poem than CJ Munn has done in 'Be my Homer' It's always fun to hear the ripples of laughter roll around the friends and family as they catch each one!

Be My Homer

by CJ Munn

Be my Homer I wanna be your Marge. If I’m your Norfolk Broads Will you be my barge? Let’s please be Tom and Barbara, I will show you The Good Life. Even though we’re not yet married I would love to be your wife.

Like Mr and Mrs Huxtable, We’d smooch even when we’re wrinkly. I’ll even consider ironing your shirts, But I hope you like them crinkly.

Like Mr and Mrs Incredible I’m flexible and you’re tough. But if you promise to be my true love That will always be enough. Like Bonny and that Clyde guy without all the dying. Like Gwyneth and that Coldplay man without all the crying. My partner in crime, the love of my life, My muse, my joy, my fun. Please be my one and only, Cos you’ve always been ‘The One’.

James Amos South Wales Celebrant Number 4 on a wooden spoon

This is a little bit different. It's written from the perspective of the Mother in Law, the groom's mother. It has a simple, yet very effective ending!

My Son's Bride

by Vivien Hampshire

I’m losing my boy

And I know that I oughta

Be jumping with joy

That I’m gaining a daughter


The hemline’s too high above the knee,

She says wearing white is hypocrisy,

There’s no sign of a veil to hide her face,

And she’s gone for fur instead of lace.

She looks bemused when I mention a train;

Says they’ll be heading for Greece on a plane.

No, it certainly wouldn’t be my kind of dress,

But will she make him happy?


I’m losing my boy

And I know that I oughta

Be jumping with joy

That I’m gaining a daughter


She says hats you only wear once are a waste,

She has unruly hair and unusual taste.

Shouldn’t we be spending money (and hours)

Selecting the venue and picking the flowers?

But it’s Registry Office, a girl as best man,

Pie and chips at the pub, and no seating plan.

Whatever goes on in her head? I can’t guess,

But will she make him happy?


I’m losing my boy

And I know that I oughta

Be jumping with joy

That I’m gaining a daughter


She’s having cup cakes in place of three tiers,

Champagne is standing aside for cold beers,

And where the diamond should be on her hand

There’s a miniscule pearl on a thin pewter band.

I can’t say it’s quite what I would have chosen,

But I bite my tongue. My smile is frozen.

She’s no

t who I’d imagined, I have to confess,

But will she make him happy?


James Amos South Wales Celebrant Number 3 on a wooden spoon

This is a song from 'The Wedding Singer' that is funny but has a heart!

I Wanna Grow Old With You

from The Wedding Singer

I wanna make you smile whenever you’re sad

Carry you around when your arthritis is bad

All I wanna do is grow old with you

I’ll get your medicine when your tummy aches

Build you a fire if the furnace breaks

Oh, it could be so nice, growing old with you

I’ll miss you

Kiss you

Give you my coat when you are cold

Need you

Feed you

Even let you hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink

Put you to bed when you’ve had too much to drink

Oh, I could be the man who grows old with you

I wanna grow old with you

James Amos South Wales Celebrant Number 2 on a wooden spoon

This is a piece full of wisdom, and truth, but a smile too!

'All I Ever Really Needed to Know I Learned in Primary School'

(ad. from the original 'All I Ever Needed to Know I learned in Kindergarten')

by Robert Fulghum

All of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do, and how to be, I learned in primary school. Wisdom was not at the end of the university journey, but there in the sand tray at nursery.

These are the things I learned that will serve you well in married life…

Share everything.

Play fair.

Don't hit people.

Put things back where you found them.

Clean up your own mess.

Don't take things that aren't yours.

Say sorry when you hurt somebody.

Wash your hands before you eat.


Biscuits and milk are good for you.

Give them to someone who feels sad.

Live a balanced life.

Learn a bit and think a bit and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day.

Take a nap every afternoon.

Be aware of wonder.

Remember the little seed in the plastic cup? The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.

Everything you need to know is in there somewhere.

And it is still true, no matter how old you are when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and always, always stick together!

James Amos South Wales Celebrant Number 1

This is such a heartwarming piece and one of my personal favourites! It has a wonderful mixture of humour and pathos that will have family and friends with a tear in their eye and a smile on their lips at the same time!

A Lovely Love Story

by Edward Monkton

The fierce Dinosaur was trapped inside his cage of ice.

Although it was cold he was happy in there. It was, after all, his cage.

Then along came the Lovely Other Dinosaur.

The Lovely Other Dinosaur melted the Dinosaur’s cage with

kind words and loving thoughts.

“I like this Dinosaur,” thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur.

“Although he is fierce he is also tender and he is funny.

He is also quite clever though I will not tell him this for now.”

“I like this Lovely Other Dinosaur,” thought the Dinosaur.

“She is beautiful and she is different and she smells so nice.

She is also a free spirit which is a quality I much admire in a dinosaur.”

“But he can be so distant and so peculiar at times,” thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur. “He is also overly fond of things. Are all Dinosaurs so overly fond of things?”

“But her mind skips from here to there so quickly,” thought the Dinosaur. “She is also uncommonly keen on shopping. Are all Lovely Other Dinosaurs so uncommonly keen on shopping?”

“I will forgive his peculiarity and his concern for things,” thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur, “for they are part of what makes him a richly charactered individual.”

“I will forgive her skipping mind and her fondness for shopping,” thought the Dinosaur, “for she fills our life with beautiful thoughts and wonderful surprises. Besides, I am not unkeen on shopping either."

Now the Dinosaur and the Lovely Other Dinosaur are old. Look at them. Together they stand on the hill telling each other stories and feeling the warmth of the sun on their backs.

And that, my friends, is how it is with love.

Let us all be Dinosaurs and Lovely Other Dinosaurs together.

For the sun is warm. And the world is a beautiful place.


Want to have a chat about putting together your perfect wedding?

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